I have commitment issues. Yeah, I know. It’s almost as if that’s the default excuse for guys unwilling to commit to relationships these days. It’s almost as good as the “It’s not you; it’s me” excuse for getting out of relationships. However, my commitment issues in this case have nothing to do with romantic relationships*** but with life; I have commitment issues with life.
I’m not suicidal, no, but I do have a problem with fully committing to anything. In fact, I rarely start any venture without planning an exit strategy. It may seem a wise decision in business, especially when investing but planning your escape from everything when they may suddenly become serious or because you think you might fail at them or that you may not be good at anything is not a really good way to live. It is a self-defeating, self-perpetuating, recurrent and malignant tumor that is difficult to get rid of once it bares its confidence-sucking tentacles into one’s soul. Your default answer to every problem, every challenge, every bump in the road and every twist in the thread is “Quit!”.
I sometimes think growing up without any significant roots in any place may have contributed to this. It’s quite easy when you move about – especially in your formative years – to not invest time, or energy into anything when in no time, you’ll be gone. Again. Physical exits soon become mental escape routes and life becomes that race you run when crossing the Accra-Tema motorway instead of a walk along La Palm beach (not that I’ve ever been to La Palm Beach). So you have to work so hard, every single second of every single day to not just relax at life and be swept up in its current like a piece of wood carried away by overflowing Accra gutters.
Fighting is the reason why I am penning this down at 12:03 am after a very busy day when my eyes are practically begging to shut down. This is not an avenue to blow my own trumpet (nine out of ten times, I always lose this battle) but I have been so inspired today (or yesterday, it’s technically a new day now) and I just need to state this now before my mind convinces me that it is not important and every feeling of inspiration currently coursing through my body is just a figment of my imagination.
The reality is life doesn’t allow us to quit; it only presents to us an alternative set of circumstances that seem easier to handle, a straighter road, a smooth, silky thread with no kinks. However, usually, these easier circumstances, our escape plan, usually end up restricting our development and leaving us over time with feelings of inferiority, looking regretfully at where we should be. Feelings of regret or of underachievement are not nice to have. Soon, you actually believe your inferiority which again feeds into your fear of ever being serious about anything because you are sure to fail.
I don’t know if there’s a solution to this but what I have come to understand today is that the fear of failure, of regret and inferiority can also be a fuel for positive action, achievement and progress. Afterall, you might as well know if you’re ever going to be good at anything or not. I’ve still got commitment issues – they aren’t going to disappear after a few inspirational occurrences – but they will eventually disappear, hopefully, if my new escape plan for having an escape plan is to quit having escape plans. Does that make sense? I hope it does. Or maybe I’m drunk with excitement and all these do not mean a thing. ~ Senam
***Self-Promotion: I am very single and very very committed to finding like-minded females who are committed to exiting this particular state.